Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Taking action

I feel the winds shifting, and I know things are changing.  Hopefully what's changing is me taking action; that's what I think it is.  I feel myself being moved toward action, and it's taking a couple of different forms.

I'm planning.  I'm planning a trip and things I want to accomplish, as well as planning little projects and such with my boy.  I'm planning get-togethers with friends instead of wondering when I might see them.  I'm starting to be able to give more, of myself.  I'm beginning to work on a committee for a new venture related to the United Way in my city.  I believe I'll be able to start volunteering at the local children's hospital soon, if only I can pass the FBI background check.  Fingers crossed.

I'm not sure what brings this on, but maybe it's something to do with the restoration of balance.  I would love to spend every second with my boy(s), but I'm starting to be able to back up a little and do things for me too, or someone else.  I've been able to cook for my sister to help out, when not too long ago cooking at all seemed a distant reach.  I've been reading much more for fun, and am starting a book club with a neighbor.

It's a little of everything.  It's good.  I recognize this, and it's good.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

delightful read

Just devoured The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society; some great reading for book club this year!  I really had trouble putting it down.  The last book I read that was in the form of letters was years ago, Dangerous Liaisons, another one of my favorites.  I think it would be tough to convey a narrative that way, but when it's done well, amazing!  I love the sense of characters in the Society, as well as the sense of history.  We really are lucky and spoiled never to have lived through such a war on our home land, and spoiled to live as we do generally.  Stories about German occupation during WWII and about concentration camps are so horrible and so humbling.  I love that this book was able to convey what it did without being preachy and while still making me unable to put it down.  If it were twice as long, I'd still be reading it now.  I wish I were.

I also just read The Wednesday Sisters, another book club book.  I love book club!  The sense of true friendship shown there, through thick, thin and growth is wonderful.  It shows the best in friendships among women, even when we're not exactly at our best.  Can't wait to read the next couple of books.  It's February 14, and I'm ready to start the June book.  Hee hee!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Look, Mommy - I'm swinging with a hooker!

I know that you shouldn't lead with the punchline, but honestly, who can resist that one?

Any Spidey devotee knows that web swinging is an essential skill.  My little superhero swings through the house often.  Today he found a new gizmo to help him in lieu of "real" webs, a pink (his favorite color) plastic hanger.  A hanger has a hook on it....

Friday, February 5, 2010

I really want to tell me who are you?

So many women I know struggle with identity throughout their lives.  It's silly; a waste of time, and I don't just mean them - it's me, too. 

I've been thinking about how weight is such a struggle in one way or another.  Aside from pregnancy, on my adult frame my weight has ranged from about 95 to about 145, and at very few points anywhere on that scale have I been happy with my body.  Okay, at none.  That's asinine!  I've seen photos where I can see now that I looked dang near perfect - how could that not have been enough for me?  Why am I still, in my forties, struggling with what I look like?  More importantly, who cares what I look like?  Honestly, who does?  Who cares if I'm a couple of pounds heavy (which is what I've thought I was at all of those 50-pound range of weights)?  Nobody.  Why can't I drop it?  It's one step forward, not two back, but maybe one back.  Slow progress.

Along those lines, what's with changing faces?  I think that I look at least a couple of years younger than I am, but even if I didn't - who cares?  Who cares whether I look 20 or 60?  Why do I care?  Why should I? 

Men.  Through many years of being single, I made what I thought were good choices along the way, but looking back it's clear that I tried time and time again to force square pegs into round holes, and/or trying to change myself to be acceptable.  Tried to be perfect, interesting, and assumed that if something didn't go right, it must be something wrong with me, not just not a fit.  Square pegs don't go in round holes - they just don't! 

And then, as a mother, so many women seem to struggle, aside from all these other issues, with losing their own identities in a way that doesn't seem to affect men.  Our whole being changes when we become mothers - our bodies are unrecognizable, and our priorities are so different.  I'm happy to have different priorities - I love these priorities, and I'm grateful for them.  When I think about things that happened a decade ago, it seems like another lifetime or someone else's experience.  It's not that I don't like who I am, it's that I don't really recongize myself.  Is there such thing as a happy struggle?  I want to be the best version of myself, but I don't always hold up to it.   Keep trying.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Black cloud

There appears to be a black cloud over the electronics in our house. I'm not sure what the message behind that is, but I don't dig it.

First, our "nice" TV - the one that, instead of getting a flatscreen, we built into a wall so as not to take up as much space - is on the fritz.  My brilliant husband has figured out that, if you unplug it overnight, it will work for a period of time the next day.  This is extremely handy.

Second, as I mentioned before, our brand new Wii died.  Naturally, you can't just take a new, dead Wii back and get a new one - you must send it out for repairs.  Got it back, and guess what?  Same issue.  They were unable to find anything wrong with it, but magically, at our house, no go.  Luckily, I've found a way around its "feature."  Cool feature, too - the screen goes blank white at random times with no discernable pattern.

Finally, as noted in my vindication of Sucker Punch, I bought my son a new CD player.  Never mind that the old one died; the new one also isn't quite right.  Seriously?  How much more simple can electronics be than a CD player?

What's going on around here?

Who can explain motivation?

We got a Wii for Christmas, and I got a FitPlus and the Biggest Loser game to go with it.  I've got a few extra pounds that I'd love to say are baby weight, but when he's nearly three, one must be honest with herself....  Two days in, I was very excited; the games are fun, and it seemed like something I could keep up with it.  That evening, I was showing it to Steven and it died.  Figures.

Got it back at the end of last week, and, once I got it set up again, I'm having lots of fun with it.  Steven can't understand why I'm motivated by Bob Harper (Biggest Loser trainer) when we had an exercise bike in the basement the whole time.  I can't either, but I am.  Wasn't even a little bit tempted by that bike.