favoritism

I felt my sis' baby kick last night. I believe I'm the only one who has, other than her husband; I'm only slightly surprised that the baby would show me such favoritism this early. I knew I'd be the cool aunt, but I didn't realize it would start already!

solidarity

The other day Aidan was wearing his Tigger jammies. He's adorable in them, by the way. He pulled one arm out of the armhole and put it through the neckhole, which made him into a Tarzan-Tigger-like being. Even cuter. Then I saw a lightbulb go off, and he pulled the other arm out and put it through the neckhole, too. He pulled it down around his waist, grinned, and almost twirled around. He said, "I'm a princess!"

I told him, "you are, Aidan; you're beautiful!" He said, very sweetly, "Thank you, Mommy." Then he told me that I'm a princess too. "We're princesses together!" There's a sentence I wasn't really expecting from my son.

Sucker punch

In case I've been feeling a little big for my britches (no reference to Aidan's comment about my big bottom), how bad is this? I went maternity clothes shopping with my sister, and the girl at the shop asked if this would be my first grandbaby. My son's two! Granted, I could be a grandmother, but I would've conceived my sis at age 8. Ew. Also granted, she looks very, very young for her age, but to be her mom, I'd have to be an age that, while very acceptable to be is not acceptable for me to look, yet.

I told my hubby about it, and he asked if I punched her in the face. He was kinda mad. I love him!

My look of horror made her realize her error. She swears she heard my sis call me, "Mom." It's possible that she started a sentence with Mom, because we do talk about our mom. It's possible. It did feel a little like a sucker punch, though.

Nope. Nada. Not at all.

No Green Goblin - nothing. Not even the backup dragon costume. Not even the word, "costume." Nothing. Halloween was, for us, sitting on the front porch in street clothes eating various candies and trying to claw back into the house whenever trick-or-treaters who might be considered even slightly frightening dare to stop by.

In fact, today is significantly after our trick-or-treating day, Oct 29, and as we were leaving school today, he said, "I want to go to home. Let's go home. We're not going to the costume store?"

Ugh.

On the bright side, he's cracking me up. He's started saying phrases like, "so anyway, guys" and "actually."

just in case I need it

A friend was having a tough day, and I wrote this to her. As she's the only one who reads this besides me, I'm putting it here, somewhat at her advice, to remind myself when I need it. Know that I couldn't possibly love my family any more than I do, my stunning, gorgeous, loving and devoted husband and son.

so, every time i think i might be alone in my lonliness when i'm surrounded by love or in losing myself or in feeling ever so slightly ungrateful for what i'm so lucky, so so lucky to have, i realize that i'm not the only one in my shoes. it's all around me, every day, in women who are struggling to balance what's too much for any human to hold at once. there's no one right answer, no good answer, and everyone, EVERYONE with a family struggles with it, and everyone without a family wonders whether it'd all be better if she did. it's in our culture, it's in novels, it's in blogs, it's in elevator conversations; truly, it's everywhere.

you're beautiful in pretty much every way possible, and passionate about life and motherhood. you can't always get it all right, and i feel like maybe it wouldn't be as satisfying if you/we could. part of loving something is earning it, i believe. another part of loving it is letting myself not be perfect about it. why is it so easy for me to let other people be where they are, and understand where they're coming from, and so hard for me to let myself not be perfect? seriously, no one is. no one. No One.

i'm thinking about this a lot as my sis is expecting, and i'm hoping that she lets herself be where she is too.

don't get me wrong - i'm really very happy with my life and my gorgeous, beautiful son, and i'm sure you are too. it's just hard to be a mom sometimes. i don't know if this is helpful, but reading your blog today, i wanted to tell you this because it's all around me, sometimes affecting me personally and sometimes affecting friends or acquaintences. i'm sending a giant hug and a smile and the reassurance that you're right where you should be and that you're in there, plain for us all to see.